Well…my deployment is now nothing short of imminent. I said goodbye to my “Katherines” yesterday (my fiancé and mom), movers came and packed up my belongings, and now I’m left with an empty room, a rainy day, and all of the anxiety, uncertainty, and excitement that comes with a deployment. This “limbo” that I’ve lived over the past few months – juggling the tug and comfort from home with the gravity of deployment – is finally coming to an end. Compartmentalizing life over the past few months and shading the obvious with smiles, celebrations, and reassurances was my way of dampening the discomfort that my loved ones have and will endure while I’m gone. And, while planning the parties, vacations, engagement, and holidays, I’ve also been focusing on my job in the Army, trying my best to prepare myself and my platoon for our upcoming deployment. It’s been a tough act to juggle.
I was home for the most of November, and it was a whirl, to say these least. I tried to spend as much quality time as I could with Katie, my sister and mom, family, and friends. I bade farewell to Harrisburg on Thanksgiving Day - an experience probably numbed (slightly) by a late night in Harrisburg with friends the previous evening. I was probably more numbed by the situation...saying goodbye to good friends is never easy. I’ve said tough goodbyes before, whether it was heading off to West Point, moving to Alabama, or starting SERE school. I would say that this goodbye rivaled my start to West Point in intensity and severity. Both experiences (West Point and deploying) are life-changing and intimidating, but both experience are also opportunities to grow.
I tried to make sure that my smile, sense of humor, and positive attitude “kept things light” during most of the vacation. Sometimes masking your true emotions can be physically and mentally draining, and by Thanksgiving weekend, I felt like a thin sheet of ice was all that stood between my happy denial and the emotional reality of saying goodbye to your loved ones and comfort zones for a year.
After eating Thanksgiving dinner with Katie’s family, we drove out to Pittsburgh to spend the remaining weekend with my family. It was a beautiful weekend. One of the highlights was bonding with my younger cousins, Buster, Louca, Billy, and George (7, 4, 7, and 5, respectively). We hiked together, played basketball, built forts, and told stories. I’m so grateful for the relationships that I have with my sister and cousins, and I feel like Buster, Louca, Billy and George have a similar sibling/cousin connection. It was refreshing to see them play in the woods as I related to their childhood innocence. Those small moments of peacefulness and reflection are something that I’ll always cherish.
Katie and my mom left early Sunday afternoon, which gave me some alone time to say goodbye to the rest of the family. I packed my bags in my car and came back into the house to find a crying family room. Between myself, my grandparents, sister, uncles, aunts, and cousins, there wasn't a dry eye in the house, and honestly, I don't think I would have wanted it any other way. It felt good to let my emotions out properly, and as sad as my family and I were when I left that rainy afternoon, there was certainly clarity in the moment and a peace to be gained.
It was fitting that I drove back home in the rain from my grandparent’s house...the dreariness of the afternoon/night matched the tone of the day. I spent some time on the phone, listened to some music, and zoned out. I came to work with heavy feet the next morning, but it's funny how easily the Army can get you out of a funk and back into the groove. While it might not always be the most efficient organization, the Army never stops, and it was definitely comforting to come back to work after my emotionally charged leave and jump back on the fast-moving Army train towards deployment.
And that’s where I’ve been ever since. Last week was filled with meetings, briefings, changes to packing lists, prayer breakfasts, phone calls, and lots of dining out (the “excuse of deployment”, as we call it, is always a valid reason to spoil yourself with a nice bite to eat). I picked up Katie from the airport on Friday and we went to a cheesy Christmas party with some friends that night. I dressed up as Santa for my friend’s daughter, Anna (who had no idea that “Uncle Ben” was the jolly old fellow dressed in red). On Saturday Katie helped me finish up organizing and packing my gear, and on Sunday we picked up my mom from the airport and headed to the Opryland Resort in Nashville, TN. This resort is a place I can only describe as a combination of Bible Belt Baptist, tackiness, Las Vegas (without casinos), decadence, but also, in a weird way, small town comfort. It was nice because, like Disney World, Las Vegas, or any other cheesy resort, it forces a mood on its customer, and Katie, mom and I were grateful for a forced mood with all of the bundled up emotions that we had inside of us. We walked around the various conservatories, window-shopped, laughed, swam, and watched a movie. It was a special weekend.
Tomorrow night (well, Thursday morning) is the big day, and between now and then, I really have very little to do. I feel that I’ve said goodbye the right way, and I am so grateful for all of the love and support that I have and will receive throughout the deployment. Tomorrow night will be tough, as many young soldiers will say goodbye to their wives and newborns, family and friends. I’m happy that I can offer them support, a pat on the back, a hug or a word of encouragement. Being a leader affords you that great opportunity – to find solace in the comfort that you provide others.
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